Bad Music

Music is ridiculously subjective. My love for John Denver is another's most intense hatred.

That said, I believe there are certain standards--a sort of baseline--demarcating good music from bad music. This goes beyond subjectivity and is simply objective, absolute truth. Some music, despite what others might say, is just plain bad.

My brother and I were having this discussion over the phone as I drove between appointments yesterday. We were both having bad days, and such a discussion lent a certain absurd cheeriness. We came up with a list of tragically misguided and just plain bad singer/songwriters/groups:

1. The New Radicals--"Hey, look at us! We're radical! We're gonna take your money and make you feel good about anti-capitalistic sentiment and laugh all the way to the bank! You get what you give, after all! Hahahahahahaha!"

2. Shawn Mullins--"Lullaby" makes me hostile in mind and spirit. Just dreadful...

3. Cheap Trick--I'm still not sure why WXRT is so enamored with this group. I understand they are (sort of) local boys (Rockford) but "Dream Police"? Awful.

4. Tracey Chapman--horribly, horribly depressing.

5. Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians--a moderately catchy tune and the whole Paul Simon thing notwithstanding, this is bad music at its worst. The 1990's were really a tough decade.

6. Nickelback--I'm not sure I could tell you the name of any of their songs, but the name of the group itself is reason for antipathy.

7. Joan Osborne--someone needs to explain to me how she got popular. They played her all the time on pop radio in France the summer of 1996, which explains several things, but still...

8. ZZ Top--yes, of course I loved the video for "Legs" when I was in 4th grade (what were my parents thinking, allowing us to watch MTV?), but every song since then sounded pretty much exactly the same. The beards and spinning guitars were pretty cool, but all else was just plain bad.

9. (Tie) Natalie Merchant and Shaun Colvin--It's not that I have a thing against Lilith Fair standards...it's just the whole "Take me now! Take me now!" line from Merchant makes me uncomfortable, and any song with the name "Sonny" in it (Colvin) is just wrong.

10. (Tie) Aerosmith and Bon Jovi--Steven Tyler is older than my dad and still wears lots of scarves. I don't get it. "Ki-ki-ki-ki-ki!" (rhyming with "eye") + flying scarves + a brass section=supreme badness. Bon Jovi...(sigh). What is the difference between "Wanted: Dead or Alive" and "Blaze of Glory"? That's right, nothing! Good looking dudes and a couple catchy songs later and they are "legends." What?

Honorable Mention--The Black Crows (okay, I get it, you like ganja), Jack Johnson (though I appreciate him as a classic over-achiever), Andrea Boticelli (what?), DMB (this is Tuck, as I have a mild appreciation...in any case, apologies to my buddy CP), Blink 182, I could go on...

Allow me one moment to highlight a couple of bands that are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and who are producing wonderful, brilliant, creative new music:

1. Kishi Bashi

2. Andrew Bird

3. Sin Fang Bous

All are worth a very close listen.