In truth, I am weary. The weariness is largely spiritual, as I try to wrap my mind around the reality of the Incarnation and what this means not only for me but for the whole world. As Christians, we are now actors (acting improvisationally) with a rough script in hand, and the telos (or aim) of the entire play already established. It is unnerving.
This weariness is borne not out of the faith (in fact, in Christ I find my rest as he bids me time and again, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" [Matt. 11:28]), but in living out my part and constantly being broken--needing to relearn over and over and over again that I am only human, and only truly myself, in Christ. It is a hard part, if only because there are so many conflicting voices trying to rise above that of the Spirit. And that is not to say that all of these voices are Satanic or deviant. Many are good and instructive. My fatigue is borne out of the question of "What do I do with all of it?" As a husband, father, pastor, and (encompassing and directing all these) disciple of Jesus Christ, what do I do? I am weary of Fox News and the voices damning Fox News (I'm talkin' 'bout you, Jim Wallis). I'm tired of the smug, self-righteous Christian community. I'm tired of the passive, culture-driven Christian community. I'm tired of myself, to be quite honest.
Hope, peace, joy, and love are assaulting my hardened, cynical heart, but so much softening is yet to be done. As my heart is thawed and re-made by the Spirit, additional voices mockingly seek to make it blacker and harder. I am exhausted from caring about the darkness that not only seems but is so pervasive: the sadness, violence, despair...Let me give you an example of how my heart has been broken this last week. Sunday, Julie was out delivering gifts for Project Angel Tree. She overheard through the flimsy walls of this bleak apartment the following exchange:
Child: "Mom, what do you want for Christmas?"
Mom: "For you to be quiet!"
Honestly.....heartbreaking.
Another example: and this one is rather silly, as I can at any time put the book down. I Want My MTV by Marks & Tannenbaum is a witty, irreverent, entertaining, and addictive tome on the early days of MTV. It is written in the same style as the original programming of the network: short interviews woven together (loosely) to suggest a larger narrative--MTV was ridiculously influential on culture, art, philosophy, music, business, and entertainment. In the end, I can only think that MTV is one more weapon in humanity's arsenal of self-inflicted torture (and ultimately death). It is a dreadful thing to be turned over to our sins, and MTV may be exhibit 1A in evidence of our idolatry.
Yeah, this is a very, very dark blog. Sorry about that! I could give you many more examples. And yet I go back to my original premise...that my identity comes to me from the future, and the story ends really, really well. Not just for me but for the world. And it all comes down to Christ--he is the goal of the world. Of course, some do not and will not like this. That doesn't change the reality. While things may look dark for a moment, the light is shining and becoming brighter. The victory is already won. We are now in mop-up duty and, to be sure, this is hard, tedious, sometimes frightful work.
I'm listening to a lot of Julianna Barwick and Sin Fang Bous these days (along with the usual Christmas stuff, most notably Sufjan Stevens). G.K. Chesterton (posthumously) and J. Todd Billings are doing their very best to speak truth and light into my nights. Julie and the kids continue to live out the light, expressing hope, peace, joy, and love in myriad ways. I thank God for friends at church and in the community. It is going to be okay, after all.
Random notes on the rest of the week:
This afternoon, Isaiah is joining me on some visits to shut-ins. He will surely entertain and enliven.
Tomorrow, Ian and I are going to the Apple Store to get some gear (it may be Ian's favorite place on earth). Then we are all going into the city to eat Ethiopian with Mike, Haven, and Kebron.
Saturday I will run a very long way, eat a lot of good food, and worship with my church family in the evening.
Sunday we will open presents (the bigs will freak when they see what we got them), celebrate the Incarnation, and hit the bricks for Cedar Falls. I honestly can't remember the last time I was in my hometown.
Best book read recently: The Man Who Was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton.
Best restaurant eaten at recently: Bien Trucha in Geneva.
Best song heard recently: Lost in My Mind by The Head and The Heart.
Merry Christmas.
TDE
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